15 Ways I Have Officially Become My Parents
I want to preface this list by saying my parents are totally awesome, I was super lucky to have them (I realise now) and, well, I turned out alright didn’t I?!* For right or wrong, here are 15 of the moronic ways I have officially become exactly like them:
1. I say ridiculous things.
I might use slightly different words, but the premise is just the same and just as annoying for anyone under 25. I say things like:
Go outside and get some fresh air.
What are you doing?! I just vacuumed. I JUST vacuumed!!!
What a waste, and those poor African children are still starving.
We clearly have to go to hospital and get your arm chopped off. Quick, someone call the waaaaaambulance.
Well, the proof is in the pudding. There it is. Don’t bother looking anywhere else.
You don’t know how good you have it.
Right now? You are really going to do this RIGHT NOW???!!!
There are no monsters under your bed, that is just a masked intruder with rotting teeth and a bag of hairy spiders.
2. I sing, constantly.
Occasionally I sing an actual song, with the wrong lyrics of course, but I mostly put random sentences into ear-piercing Andrew Lloyd Webber melodies. Sometimes I even deeply impress myself by inserting brilliant new lyrics to well-known (or not) songs. Family favourites include House is A Mess (to Gotye’s Hearts a Mess), Where Have all the Hair-Lackies Gone (to Where Have All the Flowers Gone), Feed the Cat (to Gotye’s Hearts a Mess), Go To Bed (to the In Your Head bit of ‘Zombie’ by the Cranberries), and I Need A Wine (to Gotye’s Hearts a Mess). It’s quite the repertoire.
3. A shopping trip is a total social experience.
Oh yes, I am chatting to everyone: the old lady that needs help getting the incontinence pads from the top shelf (‘don’t worry, I have a little LBL myself’ *wink*), the toddler in the pram that is crying for chips (‘oh poor little monkey, you really want those chippie chips hey? Looks like your clever mummy knows they contain 450mg of sodium per 100g, not to mention the preservatives’), and of course, the check out assistant (‘I’m loving this new Jamie Oliver tasty chicken range, have you tried the smashin’ chilli parmesan?’). Naturally in between chats I hum along to the catchy supermarket theme song…Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday, I looooove you…
4. Someone has to be in their 90’s to be considered old. Everyone else is ‘still so young.’
5. I love a good cup of tea.
6. My nipples are enormous. Think pink satellite dishes.
7. I am obsessed with the news. Throughout the day I check at least 3 different news websites on high rotation and shake my head as if each horrifying new tale of human atrocity is a complete surprise.
8. I groan. All. The. Time.
Here are a few of my favourite groans: The I-just-actually-moved-my-body groan - for getting in or out of the car, putting a child in the bath/cot/pram/high chair/car seat, putting milk (anything above 300mL) into the trolley, reaching up to the top cupboard, picking up anything off the floor that’s heavier than a Lego head, and lifting couch cushions to look for the TV remote. This is a big puff of noisy air groan, it sounds like UGH! The have-we-really-lost-that-again?! groan – for opening school bags that are empty of their lunchbox/hat/jumper/water bottle, and for the daily disappearance of the TV remote. This is a whiny high-pitched groan and sounds like AWGH! usually followed by ‘Jeezuslordabove you cannot be serious’. The I-have-just-realised-how-disgustingly-messy-this-room-is groan. This is a very commonly used groan. It is a low, long and helpless and is usually followed by swiftly exiting that room only to enter another room and make the same noise. AAAARhhhh The I-just-realised-we-forgot-to-go-to-____(insert kids name)’s-birthday-party-yesterday groan. It sounds like OOO and is usually followed by EESH. The I-just-put-shorts-on-and-looked-down-at-my-legs groan. OOOOH. EWWWW.
9. Wine is the answer. To everything. Even with 3 iceblocks and a dash of soda water.
10. I think young people’s music sucks. And I laugh at them when they think it’s good, or original.
11. I overuse the word fun. Did you have fun? I had fun! Wasn’t that fun? Do you remember how fun that was? I wish I had fun like that when I was your age. This is totally the most Funtastic Fun-day! Celery sticks are so super fun!
12. I say ‘oh that’s amazing’ when I really think it is a total shitburger.
13. I find a lesson in everything. ‘Well that random unrelated injury is what happens if you don’t listen to mum.’ ‘Yes that is cute, they make them look so cute so kids with no brains will want to buy them.’ ‘That man is getting picked up by the police for whinging about too much homework.’ ‘You can be whatever you want if you work hard enough, yes, even a giant squid or a cloud of poisonous gas.’
14. I need help with technology.
15. I need help getting off the couch.
+And of course I sing:
I read the news today oh boy, about 1000 times, and then some more. And though the news was rather sad, I just had to laugh, the memes just so daaaaaaaaaaaaft. (apologies)